The Blondest Brunette

Some pictures... Mom's Day, Mom's B-Day...

2006-06-03T10:36:00.000-07:00

2006-03-25T08:32:00.000-08:00

So, long time, no write...huh?
I got a MySpace, and man, am I addicted! Anyways... everythings great! Change is in the air and already in motion. I'm moving out in a month. Its now Spring.
I think under most circumstances, people hate change. I never understand it. I love change. It means progress, experiences, seeing more of life than you would if you never changed. Its wonderful in my book.
I can't wait for summer (holy canolli, I love spring, too)! I was thinking about it on my way home: why when winter hits, do we get all serious and stiffled? Then when summer hit, we are more expressive of ourselves and enjoy life a bit more? Is it the sun? If it is, I must then proclaim: HELLO SUN!
Mom update: She is GREAT! I just want to say thank you to everyone who has and is praying for her. It's really warming to know that people all over care so much. She has one or two more rounds of the worse kind of chemo, then she's on to therapy (hormonal, I think... dont quote me on that). I really love her. She's so strong, but never lets out her secret on how she does it. As her daughter, I know that one day when I'm dealing with something this difficult, she will be there for me with experience and knowledge, and I am so blessed to have her.
Well, if anyone's on myspace... look me up! I'd love to hear from ya!

Random Pictures for your Viewing Pleasure... Let me know what you think...I LOVE comments!

2006-03-08T18:16:00.000-08:00

My Miss Princess Chloe Marie

2006-03-03T21:10:00.000-08:00

2006-02-26T11:21:00.000-08:00

Who would have this kind of strength?

2006-02-20T20:43:00.000-08:00

Today, my mom decided to shave her quickly thinning hair completely off. Thank God that I got off work 3 hours early and was home when she stopped by to wait for my aunt to go with her.
Hair, to a woman, is a security... one of the things that stamp you as a woman and give you a quiet pride. So, I can't imagine how hard it is for her to lose a breast one month, then two months later lose her hair.
My mom's strength is amazing. Her attitude is vastly noticeable. But there is something about her that takes a while to pin-point. I don't know what it is, exactly, because it is a mixture of all these elements. Her grace, faith, understanding of her circumstances... Her submission to procedures that are neccessary, but her resiliance to her illness.
Through this I am learning how to deal with obstacles that beat us down daily...how to not just put them in the back of my mind and forget them, and also not to let them weigh me down; but how to take them as they come and make light of it... see things the way they could be. Also, how to not let the little things in life burden me no matter how high the pile might stack up.
And, so in conclusion of my shortest posting EVER (!), I will state a quote that (as odd as it may be to think of) reminds me of my mom's battle and her ever present grace and strength:

FLY LIKE A BUTTERFLY, STING LIKE A BEE.

2006-02-01T18:30:00.000-08:00

Below are just a few pictures from my trip...LOTS more to come!

2006-02-01T18:19:00.000-08:00

Crazy? I was crazy once! Thay put me in a round room and made me sit in the corner! Then...

2006-01-18T17:09:00.000-08:00

Wow, Kelli...Your energy flowed all the way over to me today! I am in such a happy and refreshed mood today that I feel...great! And it all happened in an odd way.
My day has been BUSY and filled with meetings. I saw Brian and he talked to me about my cruise...small talk. When I told him we should do something before I leave for the cruise, he gave me a roll fo the eyes, quickly began walking away and snidely said, "have great night, Alaina!" and was off. Well, usually that would catapult me into a rotten mood... but today it totally reversed! I came upstairs, ranted and got angry, then I finally believed that I am better than that... What a jerk and I CAN (not could) do so much better! The memories I ahd of us somehow dont want to surface and don't taste as good as they use to. They've grown to be bland. I realize my foolishness. I dont care what he does, who he sees, what he's thinking...he's a waste of time and is no better than me like he thinks he is.
I'm excited about this. This even seems to bleed into the other areas in my life that have been like a weight on my shoulders. Its amazing how every aspect of your life is simultaneously connected but constantly changing, i guess like a rubix cube in respects.
I was looking through past pictures from highschool and since and in observation I must say that they put things into perspective...choices that I've made and the consequences since; how friendships have grown, changed, or cam and went, etc...Kelli and I have been making our "self-double-portraits since junior year! Do you know how many of those things we have?
I saw pictures of ex-boyfriends and think "why did I let him go again?" But who would if I was still with him? I guess we really don't know what the little choices we make each day add up to be...but when we find out....
Anyways, lesson learned (finally): Carpe Diem. "Live in the NOW!" - Garth, Wayne's World. I realize the importance of looking like a fool for all the right reasons: friends, family, love, and just to simply live life. When I look at those pictures, I see a person who was always in fear of what others would think and always putting on a front and hardly happy when I had every reason to be. I now live life for life itself.

Cleaning out my closet, so to speak...

2006-01-14T07:43:00.000-08:00

So, let me begin by saying that I have been horrible to live with lately and for that I am sorry. I hate doing this and I hate feeling like this. Whining has never been appealing to me and I dont like to think I am a whiner...but maybe releasing all this crap will prove to be slightly more beneficial to those around me.
Things have just built up inside me that its beginning to affect how I react to people and turning me into someone I never wanted to be like.
Maybe the things I'm feeling aren't that big of a deal, and I am sure I'll hear that from a lot of people.
Right now, I am dealing with alot of stress from my mom's cancer, so much more than is explainable. Then, I feel I am being replaced and left behind by two people who I care so much about.
I have become the bitch. I get easily agitated and annoyed, and frutrated. I feel helpless and lonely and bitter. I am inpatient and always in a hurry. I cuss alot more than I use to and that I should. I dont go to church anymore and my faith/beliefs are all muddled up...I honestly dont know where I stand.
On top of my mother simply having cancer, she starts chemo when we get back from the cruise. That puts such a heavy wieght on my heart, it feels sufocating. She will lose her hair within two weeks and will be virtually condemed to the couch or bed. Which means that I will be the "cleaner", the one to pick up brianna and sorta be 1/2 mom when my mom can't. And as if it couldn't get worse for her, this will kick start her into menopause...all details to that can be left unsaid. She'll go through about 5 1/2 years of various types of chemo.
This is why I miss Brian. When we were together, it was a release for me. I actually had soemone to go to that I knew every minute would be fun or not so seriuos when they needn't be. He was my best guy friend and that meant that we didn't need to talk about relationships or how eachother was feeling baout something, becasue we had eachother there that fulfilled any realtionship needs (I am not talking about the physical part), and we knew how eachother felt at certain times and respected that. I need that back now, to get my mind off of things that have happened and are still lingering; just a couple hours of forgetting and non-obvious empathy. And now that he has replaced me, i feel put-out.
anyways enough of that. Hopefully now that I have released some of that ugly energy, I will be slightly less the horrible person I feel I've become. I will not be a bitch to my best friend or to her...person.When i come home from work, I will be less aggitated and frustrated and be nicer and more helpful.
Just a thought: maybe if I didn't keep it all inside, and actually told people (the ones that should know, at least) how I felt then maybe I wouldn't get like this everytime...

I Survived 2005!

2006-01-01T13:06:00.000-08:00

Wow, what a year! Its been both up and down, and I'm kinda glad to see it go. But, I do look back and think of things that I'm happy for; This year, I met Brian and made great memories and learned valuable lessons from him. I made a goal to buy a car all by myself, and I reached it 100%. I grew up, sort of, and moved up the career latter and I am succeeding so far.
But again, there are things from 2005 that I look back on that make me sad or resentful...I'm glad to leave these behind. Number one, my mom's breast cancer. My car accident that still isn't completely fixed. Lost Friendships. Faith and beliefs watered down. Little mishaps that are unnavoidable yet monumentous, but not easily remebered.
Things happen throughout a year...and how we deal with those depends. Do we pile the broken pieces into our baggage and keep on with our weights on our back; or do we stop, fix what happened, leave it where it is, and forget it all together? In my opinion, both are tedious, exhausting, and remorseful. Here's my resoning: Life moves along and it comes upon a friendship, something so beautiful but it has been broken. Do we take the memories that are there and keep them, or do we stop to mend the friendship as much as we can, create closure, and move on to forget it? I don't want to forget those memories, but to keep living them on through recollections doesn't feel good either.
This is what gets me when people try to make sense of life or love or God and religion, because it never does make sense, can't that just be enough?
So, I look forward to 2006, expecting and hoping for only the best, but bracing for what may happen. I am expecting relaxation and fun memories with my family on my cruise. I am hoping that I grow into the woman I'va always wanted to be, and expect myself to take those steps. I am hoping to mend broken friendship that mean the world to me. I hope to learn to become steady in my thoughts, decisions, love, actions, and what else may come to me.
On a lighter note, I am PRAYING that I can learn to save at least some money or sew shut the holes in my pockets... better put: more frugal.
I want to learn how to value time, family, firends, and love more...maybe go as far as to start to understand a little about all those too.
The coming year holds so much promise and opportunity for learning and growth and everything else... I'm excited to see the outcome.
"...live like no tomorrow. Everyday we borrow brings us one step closer to the edge. Infinity.Where's your treasure, where's your hope if you get the world and lose your soul?..."

Happy New Year!

Somehow, it feels different...

2005-12-24T23:23:00.000-08:00

Now that I'm 21, things do kinda seem to be in a different light...slightly. It is a relief to know that I really don't have any restrictions besides the obvious. That is enough for me.
I did go out for my birthday, but I vowed (to myself) not to get ass-happy drunk, and I didn't. I don't like being drunk and I don't like going out all the time when drinking is involved. Maybe it still seems taboo for me, which in turn makes it a little alluring and exciting. But, I've never been a partier, and after 21 years of being this way, I see no drastic change in the future. I was told that I was a disgrace to my generation for it...but whatever.
But overall, my birthday was everything I wanted and expected and more...it was great! I went out with the people who mattered to me (and were 21 & up of course!): Kelli, Jeff, Cameron, and Kimmy & Jimmy. I had a total of 4 shots, 1 beer, 1/2 a glass of red wine (currently yuck... stick with white), and 1 Cosmo, with plenty of water. I went home only slightly drunk and no hangover the next day. I was happy for that, since it was my mom's surgury the next day.
Her surgery went great and they dont think there's any cancer in her thyroids. We'll find out Tuesday or Wednesday. Emotionally, we are all good. I think me and my mom took it the worst on the outside, but my dad kept everything in, and my sister didn't seem to have any thought whatsoever (typical for her). Right now she is recovering great. That whole day was so emotionally exhausting, I've never been that drained.
There is light at the end of the tunnel after all. I am so thankful and so blessed to have the people in my life that I do. People who celebrate and cry with me, love me and give me space when needed. I guess that whatever happens, whether its good or bad, your happiness depends on 1.) how you look at it, and 2.) the people you have around to support you and love you. I love them too.
And I've learned another thing on top of everything else: that bad things happen for a reason. I think this cancer with my mom has brought us closer. My mom said she felt the same way too, except that it was to bring me back into the chruch again like I was before...maybe she's right, and maybe it will take time. But, I know that just simply doing something like going to church just to make her happy couldn't hurt anyone.

P.s. Merry Christmas!!!!

A Season To...

2005-12-19T19:59:00.000-08:00

I realized that I haven't posted anything in a while, so I'll have a little to say.
The last couple of weeks have proven to exist solely for learning. Alot has happened.
My mom's breast cancer is surreal...I'm not sure if I fully understand it yet, and I don' tknow if I will. It's hard to say when something like this really hits you. At first it's so shocking that you can't believe it, then slowly it becomes a part of life, to where it is almost like a routine.
Thusday she goes in to have a masectomy. That would scare me. But, like she says, "Boobs and a vagina do not make me a woman...whats inside me does." That may be true, but those do help.
I'm trying to get myself ready for the post-surgery. Alot of things can change, like her mood, her mobility, I don't know what else... but i'm bracing myself.
This whole month has been...well...eventful. But I kinda like it. Although so many things that just plain SUCK have happened, this is what life is made of: ups and downs at no exact pattern, and often occuring at the same time. It sucks that my car is wrecked and I have nothing to drive, but that means I can spend time with my best friend every morning on the way to work, and I get to do it again every night on the way home. It sucks that my mom has breast cancer, but we get to go on an amazing family trip next month, and her cancer is not terminal and fully curable. It sucks that she has major surgery on Thursday, but thank God that our family and friends can all get together the night before for my birthday. I can go on, and I think I've already made my point clear.
And I've learned another thing...Life goes on through saddness and heartache. Its good to think that alothough right now hurts, there will be another time where things are great, you'll just have to look forword to those times.
And one more thing I've learned: a strong co-relation between humility, selflessness, and freindship. To be happy for your friends no matter what you think of whats going on and to put yourself behind just so the other can bask in their own happiness regardless of how it makes you feel is what love is, and not just in the perverse way. To support your friends when they make a decision; To celebrate everything when it turns out the way it should and to cry with them when it doesn't. Thats what a friend is, and maybe also a sister too. And to accept change...

Le cours de vie.

2005-12-10T22:01:00.000-08:00

"The course of life." The phrase is a relaxant of sorts. To me, it means that life come at you full force and you just have to deal with it eventually. I dont just say this to give reason to the bad stuff we catch, but also the good.
It seems like we are all thrown at with things that come when we are not expecting them.
With that said, let me tell you what a month it has been! So much good and bad, that in the end life comes out just as it had begun, but oddly different.
Tuesday we find out if my mom has breast cancer... I can't say if I really want to know. I find comfort in the probability that it is infact nothing. The thought that it is really doesn't bug me, but I always know that it is in the back of my mind, just sitting there. I'll keep yall posted.
I got a PUPPY! I love her! Her name is Chloe...the joy of my life (but not at 4 am). She is a black lab, and sooo adorable and growing every day. Soon I will post pics of her.
I haven't talked to Brian at all (except for at work, where I must) in about 6 weeks, maybe 7... who's counting? And this time, I have him almost completely out of my mind and cell phone. Except... I still have an old voice mail on my phone saved from him. I know how retarded that may seem. When I hear it, tough, I still feel like he does want to talk to me. I've been good about trying to move on, which leads me to Eric.
Eric is another guy from work (you'd think I would've learned my lesson) who after one date asked me to be alot more than just co-workers. I told him I'd think about it for a while. HOenstly, I just don't want to date now...I want time to chill. I wouldn't mind hanging out with guy friends at all as long as that was all that it would be for the mean time. Like, I would LOVE to hang out with Zach B, Zach C, Caleb, all those boys because I've known them for so long and I wouldn't worry about sending out that wrong message.
I got in a car accident today. Sudden transition, I know. I was breaking and only going 25 in a 35 zone when I hit a MAJOR patch of ice and my car lost control. I tried to swerve into another lane, but that only turned my car sideways. I hit a dodge truck at twenty five.
OOPS! Gotta go, Chole needs me!

You Go Girl!

2005-11-15T19:26:00.000-08:00

Miss Kel:
CONGRATULATIONS on your big news. I am so excited for you! I now how you've wanted something like this, and now you got it, and with a wonderful guy. But I have some stuff to tell you.
#1 - Don't listen to what everyone may say. Some people may rag on you for dating a guy you met unconventionally, but they don't know the situation.
#2 - I am so proud of you for sticking to your beliefs and being so strong...what a woman!
#3 - You may piss me off every once in a while (thursday night???), but I love you no matter what. I always get over it. Even when I am pissed, I'll still be here for whatev! I support your decisions. You're a smart one.
Go for it, kid...'cause you got it girl!

I'm looking forward to that dinner at Beverly's you'll be paying for! Oh, and to win that bet as well, because you know I am always right. And a little heads up: When we are sitting at Bev's having dinner, I will order the most expensive entree and complimenting wine to go with that too! Peace-out, Kel-polean.

So...blah...

2005-11-13T17:33:00.000-08:00

I don't think I like feeling so low. Who would? I try exercising to pump in those extra endorphines, but they don't seem to help as much as I'd like. I try hanging out with new people, but it kinda just makes me miss Brian. I meet these new guys and somehow it just doesn't quite fit, like it did with Brian. He's not as great as I make him out to be, I guess, or so I hear from everyone else. But none the less, I miss our connection. We both had the same sense of humor, liked to go to bed early, only liked to go out every once in a while, and the list goes on, and on, and on... maybe we were too alike. And too unalike also, may I add. In all the wrong spots we were both similar and the anthesis of one another.
This "dating" thing sucks, and quite frankly isn't fair, mostly to girls. I give up. If there wasn't so much pressure out there in society (yes, even for people as young as 20 years old) to get married or to have a significant other, I would probably be just as happy to work, do my yoga/workout, and chill with my girls. But thats not the way it is, is it? We struggle to find the One, but once we find him/her and get comfortable, we complain, there's always something wrong. "She's pressuring me to committ!" "He doesn't like my music." " They are too clingy."
Oh! And here's my favorite: "I've been burned."
What?! Who Hasn't?! First off, you're not the only one to be "burned" or dissapointed by someone you're totally into, it's gonna happen, but get over it. Secondly, why are you holding on so much to someone who has hurt you so bad, that you can't see and be with the person next to you who wants to be with you so bad... who cares for you so much that they would never attempt to hurt you?
It doesn't make sense to me, but I guess in life there are things you will never understand no matter how old you are or how much you study the subject. It just is becuase it just is...and I guess that has to be enough to answer all your questions, even if you cant find the words to ask them.

In my last petition to make my feelings clear, (and I realize how absolutely corny this will sound) there is a song that kinda spells it all out. All I can do is sit back and say "YEP!". It's "Sitting, Waiting, Wishing" by Jack Johnson. It is a popular one.

I was sitting, waiting, wishing
You believed in superstitions
Then maybe you would see the signs
But lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain’t the lord no I’m just a fool
Learning loving somebody
Don’t make them love you
Must I always be waiting, waiting on you?
Must I always be playing, playing your fool?

I sang your songs
I danced your dance
I gave your friends all a chance
But putting up with them
Wasn’t worth never having you
Maybe you’ve been through this before
But it’s my first time so please ignoreT
he next few lines because they’re directed at you
I can’t always be waiting, waiting on you
I can’t always be playing, playing your fool

I keep playing your part
But it’s not my scene
Want this plot to twist
I’ve had enough mystery
You keep building it up
But then you’re shooting me down
But I’m already down
Just wait a minute
Just sitting, waiting
Just wait a minute
Just sitting, waiting

Well if I was in your position
I’d put down all my ammunition
I’d wonder why it had taken me so long
But lord knows that I’m not you
And if I was I wouldn’t be so cruel
Because waiting on love
Ain’t so easy to do
Must I always be waiting, waiting on you?
Must I always be playing, playing your fool?

And all of the sudden...

2005-11-08T21:13:00.000-08:00

I had this memory come to me for no real reason.
A little pre-lude quickly: I am such a autumn/winter person, its remarkable...
Ok, my memory... I remeber going to the video store with my mom and was begging her to rent a movie I saw or heard of at school, the old version of "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas". I remember coming home to find my dad already there. I think he was maybe watching the game or TV, anyways, he was just around the house. I begged and begged my daddy to watch a movie with me. So, as he laid down on the couch, I jumped on his back and sat there excitedly observing my mom putting in the tape. My dad kept asking me what movie it was and all I could do was stare at that screen, not saying a word to him. Finally the movie started rolling and I remember yelling at my dad saying "Daddy, watch it!!!!" And i thought he was just as excited to watch it as I was, little did I know then what a joy it is to watch children so happy, adimit, and enthusiastic about something so little as watching your favorite movie. Well, we watched it, beginning to end, never letting that smile fade, and watching each part that I thought was funny as though it were the first time, while already knowing what happens. I must have been no more than 3 or 4 years old. That, beside drinking beer that I thought was my favorite Apple juice, is one of my earliest memories. I love my Daddy.
I also remeber my Dad and I waking up real early (which I already did and still do), being real stealthy and tip-toeing into the kitchen and grabbing cereal (Back then they had teddy graham cereal, or maybe I just thought it was). Well, anywho, I would sit right infront of the TV Set, "Cereal" in hand, watching either Pee-Wee Herman (which my mother HATED), or the Barbara-Hannah Bible movies. I would watch one after another, and on the mornings my dad didn't wake up so splittingly early and I was on my own, I would just set myself up and watch video after video until my Mom woke up. I don't know if she ever knew those early morning scenarios or not, but I remeber thinking I was sneaky watching Pee-Wee...Hehe.
I've always had a rebellious side, especially when it comes to defying my mother... I started at the wise age of 3.
I'd like to think I was an easy child, for my dad anyways.

People who are unable to motivate themselves must be content with mediocrity, no matter how impressive their other talents." Andrew Carnegie

2005-10-31T20:18:00.000-08:00

A BEAUTIFUL picture from my BEAUTIFUL Liisa

I read that quote today in an e-mail from work. I loved what it said and I totally understood it.
I've been thinking alot lately about what it is to be a good person. There's alot out there on the subject. Some people think it's how deep your relationship with God is, and others think it is the amount of good deeds you do in a span of time. Could the idea of being a good person be simultaneously individual and universal? Well, here's what I'm a-gonna do: Tonight I will write out what I think it is to be good person and what I feel I need to do to be a good person, and as the days and weeks go by, I will add on. Keep checking on it, and please comment whether good or bad...let me know what you think towards this!
I believe a good life is comprised of certain aspects: physical, emotional, and spiritual, while all being both social and individual.
PHYSICAL
-Taking good care of your body/health by only putting things in it that benefit it.
- Keep your body in motion, but always enjoy it. If running no longer makes you happy or motivates you, don't do it- find something else you enjoy doing.
EMOTIONAL
-Chocoloate is always good for your psyche.
-If an opportunity comes up for fun or a good time, always take it; but never forget your responsibilities. (Not sure which category this really goes under - maybe all three)
- Parties: good! Drunkedness: not so good.
I am always game for a good party, pro- or anti-alcohol; doesn't mean I get drunk or
am comfortable with being drunk. Actually, I hate it. People do dumb things.
- Always have a good time, be happy, have fun, enjoy life. Dance on tables, no matter if you can't hold a rhythm or not. Sing, even if you can't hold a tune. If the mood strikes, go with the punch. (this is what I love about my friends - they all hold this amazing ability)

- Emotions are ok, and healthy. If you love someone, you love them. If your angry, you're angry. if you're happy, well...need I say? You ultimately can't change your feelings, and neither can anyone else. But there is such a thing as building them up to be something they shouldn't. Avoid that...I need to avoid that one all too much. And definitely don't be afraid to admit them. Don't let anyone tell you it's wrong or that you really don't feel that. Who are they to know?

- Telling people how you feel is a good thing. Tomorrow is never promised and no one can read minds. I definitely need to practice this one with certain people.

- It is good to let things go and choose your battles. I think I do OK at this, can improve fo' sho!
SPIRITUAL
- Does God ever get boring? No, I think we as humans get bored. We think we have patience to wait for God's timing, but we don't. God is patient, we are not...
-Keep God close. I always underestimate when I'll need him next, and he just might need me too.
- (This goes under emotional and physical as well) Take time to relax. I noticed that through a 24-hour period, we go through so many emotions whether we relize them or not. Taking that time to relax and let them all kind of ooze out of you is unbelievably good for you. Take a hike, do yoga, go shopping, see a movie, belt out your favorite song, or just veg on the couch with your best friends. Take your work, school, stresses and put them aside for even just a 1/2 hour.

More to come...

2005-10-28T23:05:00.000-07:00

Enough Delima's To Go Around

2005-10-28T22:43:00.000-07:00

My cousin, Austin

Well, surprise! Me and Brian are now friends again, only friends. I am commited to keeping it that way.
Last night we hung out and he was such a jerk...but in his agrivatingly nice way. To make this long, and probably boring story short, at the end of the night when I was leaving I hit his car. He cam otu and looked and just laughed. It was just a bunch of scrapes, and my car actually got the worse of it which was just some paint scraped off.
I have alot on my mind lately. The most bothering is my job, because now I might have a choice between staying where I am as an Administrative Assistant or being the Manager for the Lobby Cafe. It kind of intimidates me, because the Lobby Cafe is in such a whole, that it will be an immense amount of work and re-arranging to straighten all out. But, I am up for the challenge because I love the constant people interraction and making coffee, plus I'd be the boss, which is always cool. But I question if this is my opportunity into Management, which is what I've watnted to do, especially in restuarants. But then, I think about my Sales position. If I stay long enough as the Admin, then I will eventually get up to Sales Manager or Catering Manager, maybe even Weddings, or Cruises (which is good money). But so I really want to do that? Plus, Lorna is leaving soon for maternity leave, and we are now hiring a new girl. If I get that management position, it will be immediate, leaving no time to hire and train a repalcement. I don't want to do that to my boss or anyone else up there. I could go on...
Anyways, on a lighter and final note for the night, let me add that buying underwear in public is degrading...embarassing...its only sexy if you buy it at Victoria's Secret.

All Comfy-Cozy...

2005-10-23T20:07:00.000-07:00

An old photo of my Grandparents

Today, I went to church for the first time in a LONG while. I went to a new one, Lake City COmmunity, and I liked it. The pastor talked about an interesting topic: Getting too Comfortable. It made me think: What's too comfortable to me?
My comfortable picture would look something along the lines of this: Me in my sweatpants and hoodie, with a cup of tea in hand, either reading or watching a movie or writing, with lights dim, maybe a couple candles burning, with the heater on, while outside it is cold and rainy. A tad cheesy, but its what I like. I would spend everyday starting like this if I could.
The pastor said that too much comfort equals self importance. He said we sometimes need to leave that comfort zone. The wheels began turning.
Come on, of course I thought of Brian... I wouldn't be good ol' Alaina if I wasn't so predictable!
So, I was thinking that Brian, or the idea of him was too comfortable: Having a "special" guy in my life. I'm always afraid that if I didn't have a romantic interest in my life, I will always be alone. That idea scares the crap out of me! Am I just keeping Brian around for security (ironic - he is head of security at work...), or am I really in deep for him, even if he probably isn't for me?

What do I want? Definitely security, but also respect, and affection... why dontcha throw some commitment and all that other stuff that everyone says they want too. That sounds good. I really dont know what it is that I want in life or in love. Maybe it's time to think about that. I must say that the ability to "Go with the Flow" is good to have, but too much gives people the ability to walk all over you, manipulate you. I don't want that. I want respect, but also a fun time. Can I have both? Is it attainable?

I'll get back to you on that one...

If I were a Toy...

2005-10-22T10:12:00.000-07:00

I think I would be a yo-yo. Easily pulled up and down by a little string tied tight around my heart. Wow, deep... and very dramatic. OK, its kinda cheesy. Anyway, Joe, i feel ya. I keep getting emotionally played by Brian. The last two weeks, he'd call me almost everyday, let me meet family, see his room (doesn't sound like much, but a BIG thing for him), and when we went out he not only showed me affection at the end of the night but throughout. He couldn't let go of me, which I loved!!!!!!! He said sweet things. He made me so happy again. I loved every minute of it. But I knew that it wouldn't last forever, and hoped that it would. Well, I wrote that two days ago. A lot can happen between then and now, and it has. Yesterday I was called down from my office by personnel (the two ladies who work there are my friends and we talk, ALOT) because they had to tell me something. When I got there they proceeded to tell me that Brian went to Canada, which I already knew. The said that they heard from a very reliable source that he went alone, with a girl, and as Dorothy said, "And you know they didn't sleep in seperate beds!" Needless to say, I FLIPPED out! I didn't know what to do. It felt weird, completely. It was like I couldn't breathe, my heart completely quit on me momentarily, I was so nervous/upset that I was shaking, and I got SO light headed, I couldn't think whatsoever. My stomach was in knots and it felt like I was going to vommit at a ny second. Is this what I felt like when I found out what Aaron did? I don't think so, because I think I would remember. I didn't know what to do, so I went straight to Brian's office. When I got there, I shut the door behind me and quickly asked him "What the hell did you do?" I could tell he was confused, so I thought I would give him a clue: "Canada?!" BN: "What about it? I had fun?" AF: "With who?" BN: "My friends! What?" AF: "I had to hear, at work, that you went alone with a girl. What's that all about?" BN: "No, Ali, I told you, I went with two girls and two guys who are all dating." AF: after a long pause and TRYING to think thngs through, "Ok, I believe you, Brian, you have never given me any reason to not believe you." BN: "Maybe we should talk about this after work."
I agreed. He attempted to talk to me about something I love (shopping), but i think he noticed that I wasn't quite focused. So, I left and went back to my office and tried to pretend nothing happened. I did explain things to my boss, and she sympothised and gave me advice/solutions (see, she's married to a guy who works in our same office). But, I couldn't help feeling horrid. DID I JUST LSITEN TO RUMORS AND FREAK OUT BEFORE I KNEW THE TRUTH? WHY DIDN'T I GIVE HIM THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT TO BEGIN WITH? I know how Brian has a fear of private life interfering with work, and I proved him right; we both strive for professionalism at work becasue we both get alot of shit for being in our positions at a young age. I thought for sure that he would want nothing to do with me after this. Later after work, he called me and we talked about it. I apologized for what I did. I asked what he thought and all he said is "not good, at all". I was sure this was the end. But he surprised me. He said that we need to act as though nothing ever happened and continue being friends. I loved that plan because I like being with him and being his friend. He said that he felt the same. We both are the type who, when things go wrong, try to forget any of it...bury it. Move on. But somehow, I know our friendship has changed. For the better or for the worse? I am not sure. Only time will tell. But as far as anyone from work is concerned, Me and Brian no longer talk or hang out. I now build a brick wall between my personal life and my work life, a wall only Brian can go through. This defintely was a learning experience.

Random Pictures for your Viewing Pleasure...

2005-10-17T20:46:00.000-07:00

My Color... is ORANGE? yuck...

2005-10-17T19:22:00.000-07:00

Your Power Color Is Red-Orange

At Your Highest:
You are warm, sensitive, and focused on your personal growth.
At Your Lowest:
You become defensive and critical if you feel attacked.
In Love:
You are loyal - but you demand the respect you deserve.
How You're Attractive:
You are very affectionate and inspire trust.
Your Eternal Question:
"Am I Respected?"

What's" Your Power Color?

Thanks Joe! It's surprisingly true...

Coping

2005-10-09T23:13:00.000-07:00

My Uncle Jim, with all his ducks in a row...

I am scared. And worried. I've talked about my uncle Jim before, to kelli and everyone else almost. Maybe once in a while I'll mention it at work, when I need to explain why I was late coming back to lunch after visiting him in the hospital, or why i couldn't keep a lunch date with a fellow employee, but I never go into detail. For those who know me, they can vouch that I don't hide much from public view. But for some reason, this I have hid from everyone, even Kelli.
When soemthing scares me so much, and when everyone around me is weak, I rely on myself to be strong for everyone who can't, and to keep me level-headed. I biuld all my emotions up, until just a little bit will bubble over, then I hid the rest for a nother time, a more convienient time.
When we found out Jim had cancer and how bad it was and when he almost died, I didn't cry. I blocked it out. I repeated the proceedure everytime there was more bad news. I would tell myself that I'm too emotional about everything, that If I cried, I would be proving right what I thought everyone thought about my emotional-ness. I didn't want that, I periodically find strength in proving people wrong.
But tonite, my dad told me that he had to wheel & carry Jim out to the duck blinds this weekend while hunting. I recall his nausia, his frailness, his loss of appitite and strength. I saw him at dinner, and they all started talking about his hair, his full head of silver glory, falling out in chunks and that after his next round of chemo, he probably will be bald. I saw how Jeff didn't want to leave his dad when he had to go back to Moscow. And for somereason, every emotion has found it's way to the surface.
Tonite, I started feeling them and pushing them back. then I would let just one tear go, conciel the rest. then I lost my control. What came over me?
Am I just too emoitional? I am worrying over nothing? Why all the sudden the weakness? What triggered it?
I just want comfort right now, someone to just be with me until I fall asleep, beacuse I know that if someone was there, i won't feel weakness. That I would have a peaceful mind for the moment, and would fall asleep. I don't want them to talk to me about jim, I want them to just be there, not saying anything, until I am unconcious.
My mom followed me downstairs, to ask me what was wrong. I reluctantly told her and she started telling me that I need to get into fellowship again, I need to get my faith back again. SHe gave me bible verses, that I told her I don't want. How is it that a woman that I dont look eye-to-eye with, who I clash with, can look at me and know my soul? How does she look at me and just know how much my faith has depleted? She knows what I am feeling deep down (most of the time anyway) by just looking at me, not even in the eyes, and tells me straight out.
Why can't I stop crying?!
Maybe this is just my period stepping up to the hormonal plate. I can't say.
I do know this: The pain is real. The tears are too real. The cancer is definitely real, and after 1 year and 9 months, it is sinking in and becoming reality.
How do I cope? Do I finally talk about it? There's no way to resolve the issue, why talk about it?
It feels oddly soothing to write (or type) and cry it all out.
My mom gave me a bible verse: Hebres 1:11. I told her I didn't want it. She asked if I didn't think the Bible could help. I said honestly I don't know if it can. i know she is trying to help that best way she knows how, and with her best intentions, and I think she is right.
The verse says: "The fundamental fact of existance is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see."
There becomes a time when you can't rely on your own strength or others to keep you up. Now is that time. Am I ready to rely on God again? How long will it take? I, with all my weakness, can no longer keep my own strength.